I'll Keep Your Secrets, After The Fall
by LastGirlOnTheWrite
Summary: A different take on how their relationship could start. Sometimes all it takes is someone that notices, and cares, to help you put your world back together and realized what it is you regret, and what you should do about it. An IchiXHime Dual Songfic.
1. I'll Keep Your Secrets

**I've had this idea for a while now.**

**It's a two part song fic.**

**The first is **_**I'll Keep Your Secrets (Orihime's perspective)**_**, and the second is **_**After the Fall (Ichigo's perspective), **_**both of which are from Trans Siberian Orchestra's **_**Beethoven's Last Night.**_

**When I started writing the first one, I realized that I had to finish and release them together, because otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. The stories are interlaced, showing the same events from two different perspectives, but only reaching a conclusion at the end of **_**After the Fall.**_

**These songs are, in my opinion, two of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. If you get the chance to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra in concert, by God **_**do it!**_** It is to this day the single most amazing and awe inspiring performance I have ever seen.**

**I had been actually thinking about doing one of these for **_**Mephistopheles' Return**_**, another song off of the same album, but… the ending is **_**insane**_**. A choir sings **_**four**__**different**_** choruses at **_**once**_**.**

**It's **_**beautiful**_**… but **_**insane**_**.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

_Lost in your dark…_

_I see you there._

_What do you see beyond your stare?_

_And you believe that no one else can know…_

* * *

Late one night as she walked her way home Orihime Inoue saw a man standing by the riverbed, gazing out into the night. It took her a moment to realize who stood out in the dark and the cold. She'd recognize him anywhere.

It was Ichigo.

She contemplated going over to him. He had been acting strangely for a while now, ever since the fighting finally came to an end. She was beginning to worry about him, wondering if perhaps something was wrong with the young man that had so enraptured her.

But just as she was about to call out to him the clouds drifted past the shining moon, filling the area in a pale glow. The sight she suddenly found before her, bathed in moonlight, stole the breath from her lungs and made her heart lurch painfully.

She could see his face now.

Even from a distance she could see the hurt, the suffering, the ache, and the sorrow…

And the fear.

She had never seen fear on his face before. He was always so brave, so strong… and yet…

And yet there he stood in the dark, staring out into the night, quiet, lost, and so utterly _alone_…

What should she do?

What should she say?

What could possibly be done to ease his pain?

As she stared at the water, black in the night, she found no answer.

And as the moonlight receded, she heard the sound of quiet steps.

When she turned back she saw that he had gone, without even noticing her presence.

* * *

_What is this thing you keep inside…_

_Out of the light and wrapped in pride…_

_Always afraid that one day it will show?_

* * *

She saw him at school the next day and he seemed the same.

He scowled, he chatted with his friends, but something was just… off.

She wondered if maybe she had imagined it.

Maybe things were fine, and she was just overanalyzing.

But then she saw it again.

It was fleeting; just an instant during class where everyone was focused on the lesson, except for the two of them. Orihime watched him carefully, and as he gazed out the window she could suddenly see the pain, the worry, the fear.

It was there.

Maybe it had _always_ been there.

Maybe she just hadn't been able to see it until now.

What was he afraid of?

What was hurting him so?

Why hadn't he said anything?

Why hadn't anyone else _noticed_?

… No…

Of course no one else noticed.

She was his greatest admirer, and even _she_ hadn't been able to tell.

Not until last night.

He'd hidden it so well…

But she could see it now. Even after the moment passed, she found that if she looked closely enough she could still find it buried behind a straining mask.

* * *

_I'll keep your secrets._

_I'll hold your ground._

_And when the darkness starts to fall…_

_I'll be around there waiting…_

_When dreams are fading…_

_And friends are distant and few._

_Know at that moment I'll be there with you._

* * *

She didn't tell anyone.

This was _his_ secret, and if Ichigo wanted people to know that something was bothering him he wouldn't be trying so hard to hide it.

Instead she decided to keep it to herself, and try to figure out what was wrong on her own. She wanted to help him in any way she could. She loved him, and she hated to see him _hurt_ like that.

So she watched him. She spent time with him. Every chance she got she would check on him, to see if something had changed.

He didn't seem to notice.

He was never far away, but he was never close either. She wished he would be closer. She wished he would realize that she was there for him. That she cared about him, and that she was worried. She wished that he would trust her to help carry whatever burden that lay upon his heart.

Maybe she was just being daft.

Maybe she was just letting her dreams run wild.

Maybe she was just fabricating the whole thing.

She didn't care.

Even if her dreams never came true, even if they became old and faded, she would stay right where she was…

… By his side.

That way, no matter what, he would always have at least _one_ person there for him.

Even if there was no one else.

* * *

_What are these voices that you hear?_

_Are they too far or far too near?_

_What are these things that echo from the past?_

* * *

One Sunday, as she walked by the river, she saw him again.

He sat on the grass, gazing at the horizon, waiting for the sun to set.

She watched him as he stared off into the distance, mumbling to himself.

Sometimes his face would contort or twitch, but mostly he just seemed to be talking to the air around him.

It went on like that for a while, but the longer he sat there the darker his expression became.

He only stayed for a few more minutes before suddenly standing up and marching away, visibly upset.

She watched him go, and didn't bother to go after him.

Even if she did, there wasn't much she could do.

She knew that if she asked, he would hide it.

She knew he would lie to her to keep her from worrying.

She knew, because she'd do the same thing.

Instead she went down to the river, down to where he had just been sitting. The bent grass was still warm to the touch. As she sat in his spot and watched the last of the sun dip below the horizon Orihime couldn't help but wonder.

What was this place to Ichigo?

Why did he come here alone so often?

And why did it always seem like he was in so much pain?

* * *

_Who are these ghosts you see at night…_

_There in the shadows of your life?_

_They only live by the light you cast.  
_

* * *

A few nights later she was attacked by a Hollow.

And _he_ came to save her.

It wasn't very powerful. Orihime probably could have handled it herself.

But he came anyway.

It had been a while since she'd seen a Hollow. They used to scare her, but not anymore. There wasn't much left out there that _could_ frighten her. Not after everything she'd seen.

Not after _Hueco Mundo_.

And yet it seemed that Ichigo had gained the fear that she had lost.

When he came rushing in he had seemed almost panicked, almost desperate, and even after the Hollow was slain he still seemed nervous.

What could have done that to him?

He walked her home that night, just the two of them in the dark, as Orihime tried to fathom what was wrong with him. He seemed so bothered, checking every shadow as they passed, but why, she didn't know.

What was he letting get to him?

Why was he letting himself suffer?

She just didn't know…

As she stood at her front door and he moved to leave, she made a decision.

She turned and grabbed his hand.

She had something to tell him.

* * *

_I'll keep your secrets._

_I'll hold your ground._

_And when the darkness starts to fall…_

_I'll be around there waiting…_

_When dreams are fading…_

_And friends are distant and few._

_Know at that moment I'll be there with you._

* * *

"Kurosaki-kun, I don't know what's wrong, and it's not my place to ask, so I won't. But I can tell that something's bothering you so I just wanted to say that I know, and I'm here if you need me. If you want to talk or if you just want some company all you have to do is tell me; I'll be here waiting. I want you to know that no matter what I will always be there if you need me, that you can tell me anything, and that you don't have to face anything by yourself if you don't want to."

She leaned up then, and placed a gentle kiss on Ichigo's cheek.

Before he could react she bade him goodnight and retreated back into her apartment.

He didn't say anything, and she didn't want him to.

It was just an offer.

She had just opened a door for him.

One she hoped, someday, he'd step through.

* * *

_I'll be around…_

_When there's no reason left to carry on…_

_And every dream you've ever had is gone…_

_And the dark is deep and black without a sound…_

_And every star has been dragged to the ground._

_Know at that moment I will be around._

* * *

They never talked about that night.

But they talked about other things.

She listened to him.

He listened to her.

They'd talk about anything, not really caring about the conversation.

They just seemed to enjoy the company.

She realized that Ichigo had something heavy weighing on his mind. He never said so, but he didn't have to. She could tell that he was torn about something. It was like he was trying to make a decision; a terrible, horrible decision that was slowly killing him inside.

But he never told her what it was.

So she watched him. She watched his eyes as they talked. She'd seen so many things in those eyes…

Joy…

Sorrow…

Pain…

Guilt…

… And something else.

Something that made her heart jump and skitter, but she didn't know why.

It almost looked like… longing.

Sometimes, towards the end of one of their conversations, Orihime would see _that_ look, that _longing_, in his eyes. It was always brief, vanishing as soon as it came, but it was there.

He wanted something, wanted it _desperately_, but _what_?

The forlorn look was always replaced by a look of determination… and, perhaps, _resignation_.

But _why_?

Then, one day, Orihime got a phone call...

* * *

_Know at that moment I will be around._

* * *

He'd asked her to meet him here by the river.

He said he had something important to tell her.

He sounded…

Sad?

Upset?

Resigned?

Hurt?

She couldn't tell.

She still came.

She waited for a bit, until she turned her head and caught sight of him a few feet from the nearest street corner.

She couldn't suppress the smile that made its way to her face.

She'd long since stopped trying.

She saw the tortured look on his face as it seemed to melt for a moment.

Then he began striding up to her, determination shining in his eyes.

Her smile softened to one of concern as he stopped just a few feet from her.

She didn't say anything.

She waited for him to start.

He had wanted to talk to her.

She would listen.


	2. After The Fall

Time,

_Only Time…_

_Could never take me away from you._

_And why…_

_Should it try?_

_Time never cares just what we do._

* * *

He wasn't going to die of old age.

It was just a feeling, but as Ichigo sat in the dark and gazed out at the river where his mother had died, he was fairly certain that the passage of time would have nothing to do with his death.

He had been coming here more and more lately.

To remember.

To wonder.

To think.

Ever since last winter came to an end, and the fighting with it, he had been coming here.

Sometimes he'd stand.

Sometimes he'd sit.

But every time he would come here and he would think, and by now he was certain.

There was something wrong with him.

Ever since _Hueco Mundo_ he'd been different.

Something inside him had changed, and it wasn't just his powers either.

It was more.

So much more.

Sometimes his heart would hurt, and he couldn't figure out why.

And sometimes he'd wonder if maybe, just _maybe_, the world would be a better, _safer_, place without him.

That his _friends_ would be safer without him.

So many things came to light after that last battle.

So many people were hurt.

So many secrets were revealed.

And yet, in the end, Ichigo had been forced to come to the same terrible conclusion.

It was all his fault.

Everything that had happened to his friends and his family, all of the blood and all of the tears.

They were all his fault.

If his friends had never met him, if they had never wanted to help him, then maybe they could have been spared all the agony that they have had to endure.

If he had never been born, maybe his family would still be whole, hidden from the truth and allowed to live in relative peace.

These were the things, the terrible things, he thought about while sitting, alone, by the riverbed.

* * *

_It just sits on a star…_

_And gazes down…_

_Dropping its moments all around._

_And if I could wish upon that star…_

_I would find what you dream…_

_And then ask God to grant it!_

* * *

The passage of time didn't make that feeling go away.

As he listened to his friends in their everyday lives it would abate for a bit.

But then someone would say something, talk about the past, or the future, or their dreams, and it would return.

The feeling that he had wronged them.

The talk about their hopes for the future was the worst. Whatever hopes and desires they might have had before were now just pointless fantasies.

None of them could live normal lives.

Even if they tried they would always get called back with the fighting started again.

They couldn't look away anymore.

In moments like that he'd wish, God he'd wish, that he could take it all back.

That he could set things the way they were before.

Before Soul Reapers.

Before Hollows.

Before _him._

Sometimes he'd just wish that he could give them back the normal, quiet lives that they had lost.

If only he could…

Then everyone could focus on living instead of fighting monsters in the dark.

Then Chad could spend more time with his band…

And Tatsuki could train for her next tournament…

And Keigo could keep chasing after girls…

And Mizurio could keep _getting_ those girls…

And Uryu could quietly sew to his heart's content…

And Orihime…

Whenever he thought about Orihime, the feeling became ten times worse.

Out of all of them, he had wronged _her_ the most.

He had forced a sweet, innocent girl to fight, to storm the Soul Society, and even to endure the hell that was _Hueco Mundo_.

He didn't know what her dreams had been, but he knew that the moment she had met him they had been destroyed, shattered into a million pieces and scattered to the wind.

If he could, somehow, give them all back, he would.

* * *

_I wanted…_

_To say this…_

_Long before this dark would fall._

_At night I…_

_Would pray this…_

_Then wonder if God heard at all._

* * *

What could he say to her?

Thank you?

I'm sorry?

He could apologize every day for the rest of his life and it wouldn't be enough.

Orihime deserved better.

She deserved to smile and be happy.

She shouldn't have to bear this heavy burden that he had placed upon her shoulders.

During the day he would want to tell her.

To say that he was sorry for all the pain he's caused.

To thank her for standing by him, for saving him and for having faith, even though he deserved none of it.

But every time he saw her there, smiling, he knew he could not.

That smile was all she had left.

He couldn't destroy that too.

His heart would ache at the thoughts coursing through his mind, though he didn't understand why.

At night, when he was alone, he could curse himself for his cowardice.

Why was it so hard to talk to her?

Why did his mind reel and his stomach shrink every time he tried to tell her?

What was _wrong_ with him?

* * *

_For the chances I've had are now long gone…_

_And that star is no longer wished upon…_

_For on this night it seems too far away._

* * *

He'd started watching the sun set, arguing with himself aloud, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, hoping the sound would help.

But he would always leave, disgusted with himself for not being able to find the answer.

He'd had so many chances, so many opportunities, to tell her.

But he couldn't.

Why?

He didn't have an answer.

He didn't know why _her_ suffering hurt him so much more than all the others.

He didn't know why his heart ached just a little more when she was close.

He didn't know why his heart thumped just a little harder every time she smiled.

All he could do was endure the pain.

He would pretend that nothing was wrong; act like his normal self, if only to put their minds at ease.

Whenever they would talk and laugh he would play the part, careful not to let on that those moments hurt the most.

On days like that, he'd notice Orihime watching him.

Whenever he looked back at her, she would give him a kind smile before returning to the conversation.

At moments like that, he couldn't help but feel that she was so close, and yet so very, _very_ far away…

* * *

_Try._

_I have tried…_

_To pretend that I don't care._

* * *

When Orihime was attacked by a Hollow one night, he tried to act like everything was normal.

He tried to act like that Hollow hadn't suddenly become the focus for all of his anger, frustration and guilt.

He tried to act like he wasn't falling all over himself while walking Orihime home once it was slain.

He tried to act like he didn't feel inclined to jump at every shadow.

He tried to act like he was just walking a friend home.

He tried to act like seeing her apartment didn't fill him with both a sense of relief and a sense of sadness.

And he tried to act like that didn't confuse him even more.

Still, he managed to keep it together long enough to get Orihime to her front door.

He managed to keep pretending long enough to say goodnight and turn away…

But then she grabbed his hand.

He tried to act like the contact hadn't sent a shock down his spine that made him shiver.

He tried to act like what she said next hadn't scrambled his brain further.

He tried to act like that sweet, innocent little kiss hadn't brought the whole world crashing down around him.

And once she was gone, he tried to remember how to breathe.

* * *

_But then…_

_Sleep arrives…_

_And in every dream I find you there._

* * *

Before, he felt like she was so far away…

Now, she felt far too close.

He hardly slept that night, remembering what had happened, replaying those last few moments on Orihime's doorstep over and over again.

But when he finally _did_ fall asleep, he saw all the times she'd been there for him.

The next day he was a mess; too confused to think and too tired to even try.

So when she started talking to him at lunch, Ichigo found himself babbling back.

They didn't talk about anything important.

They just… talked.

And for some reason, that made her smile.

And for some reason, that made him feel better.

* * *

_But I don't want the past to be my life…_

_And I don't want to live inside this night._

_But I don't want to see your shadow fade…_

* * *

He started talking to her more, even when there was no one else around.

And Ichigo found life slowly going back to normal.

He felt the world slowly start to turn around him again.

But for some reason it just didn't feel _right_ anymore.

Some nights they would study together, and he would find half of himself wanting to bolt out the door.

But the other half…

The other half wanted to stay.

And all it did was confuse him _more_.

When it came time to leave, sometimes he would be relieved to be alone again.

Other times he would get depressed for that same reason.

And sometimes he would want to stay just a little while longer.

It was a feeling he squashed every time it came around.

He shouldn't be feeling like that…

Should he?

He just didn't know anymore.

Sometimes things would start to make sense again for a little while, only to come crashing down at a moment's notice.

And he just couldn't figure out _why_.

All he knew was that every time he left he felt like a part of himself was missing.

And every time _she_ left he'd wish she'd turn around and come back.

For some reason he hated to see her walk away…

* * *

_So I sleep and I dream…_

_Though I don't understand it!_

* * *

She haunted his dreams now.

He didn't dream of elaborate fantasies or secret encounter.

Instead, all he saw were memories.

Things that had happened in the past constantly replayed in his mind at night, as though his subconscious were somehow searching for something.

Something that would make it all make sense.

Sometimes he'd relive old battles, sometimes just ordinary days.

Sometimes things would happen differently.

Sometimes it would be better.

Sometimes it would be worse.

Much, _much_ worse.

But there was always one thing every dream had in common.

Orihime was always there, somewhere.

It had gone on like that for nearly a month before things started to repeat.

They'd only been close for less than a year, and yet…

Had they really spent that much time together?

Had she really been by his side that much?

Had they really gone through all of that in so short a time?

A part of him wondered if that meant something more.

A part of him wondered if it meant anything at all.

A part of him wondered if maybe he'd overlooked something.

And a part of him wondered if maybe, just _maybe_, she meant more to him than he realized…

* * *

_I wanted…_

_To say this…_

_Long before this dark would fall._

_At night I…_

_Would pray this…_

_Then wonder if God heard at all._

* * *

What had happened?

What had changed?

Was it the fact that she had noticed how much he was suffering and tried to help?

Was it because she'd somehow managed to be there when he needed her most?

Or was it just the march of time?

What had happened to somehow turn a friend he'd barely known a year ago into… something more?

When she was close it was torture.

But when she was gone it was hell.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought he'd lost his mind.

The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to tell her.

The more he thought about it, the more he knew he couldn't.

He couldn't tell her that.

What would he say anyway?

Thank you?

I'm sorry?

I… _like you_?

No.

In the short time he'd known her he'd managed to hurt her more than anyone else still alive.

He didn't have the right to say something like that.

* * *

_For the chances I've had are now long gone…_

_And that star is no longer wished upon…_

_For on this night it seems too far away._

* * *

He'd made his decision.

He'd made a phone call.

He would tell her thank you.

He would tell her that she had helped him figure things out.

He would tell her that he was grateful.

He would tell her that she was a great friend.

And then he'd let things go back to normal.

He'd keep her there, just out of arms reach.

That's just… how it had to be.

But then…

He rounded the corner and saw her standing there by the river, happy, peaceful and oblivious.

And it made what he was about to do hurt a million times worse.

He watched her for awhile.

He tried to endure it, knowing that this was as close as he would ever be to her.

And he _hated _it.

He didn't want this.

He didn't know what he _did_ want, but he knew it wasn't _this_.

His resolve was cracking.

And then she turned.

She noticed him.

She _smiled…_

And he realized…

* * *

_You can live your life in a thousand ways…_

_But it all comes down to that single day…_

_When you realize what you regret…_

_What you can't reclaim but you can't forget._

* * *

He was an _idiot._

He was a _moron_.

He was a _dumbass_.

If there was a word for _stupid_ in the dictionary, it had his picture next to it.

What the _hell_ had he been _thinking_?

He wanted to hit himself.

He wanted to jump into the damn _river_ for his stupidity.

Thank _God_ for that _smile_.

No matter what happened, Orihime always greeted him with a smile.

And only now did he realize what his dreams had been trying to tell him.

Every day, somehow, that smile got bigger.

He wished he'd noticed sooner.

He'd suffered and agonized over so many things.

He'd _wasted_ so many days, so much _time…_

He couldn't get any of it back.

But he _could_ make up for it.

He made a new decision.

A _better_ decision.

He rushed over to her.

There was something he had to tell her.

Something he should have said a long time ago.

* * *

_If I could just fall back into my life…_

_And find you there inside this night…_

_And let eternity just drift away._

* * *

"First of all, I'd like to say I'm sorry, and that I'm an _idiot_. Trust me, if I wasn't then it wouldn't have taken me this long to figure things out, and you wouldn't have had to deal with me being a depressing jerk.

"Second, I wanted to say thank you. Out of everybody I know you seem to be the only one willing to put up with me when I get like _that_. You even kept me company until I managed to work things out, and I'm really grateful for that.

"And third…"

His hand came up, and his finger extended, sliding under her chin and gently tilting her head upward ever so slowly…

"… I should have done this a _long_ time ago…"

He leaned in slowly, very slowly, giving her more than enough time to step back or turn away.

Giving her more than enough time to escape if she wanted to.

But she didn't.

Instead she locked her eyes to his, a look that was a mixture of shyness, excitement, and perhaps relief, ghosting across her face.

And slowly, she started to meet him halfway.

It felt like an eternity had passed before their lips finally touched.

The caress was shy and tender, soft and innocent.

It lasted for only a few seconds, but that was enough.

They parted for a moment before slender arms wound their way around his back.

A contented sigh brushed across his neck and made him shiver.

He let his chin rest on the top of her head.

He wrapped his arms gently around her shoulders.

And she hugged him just a little tighter.

And a shy yet happy smile found its way to Ichigo's lips.

And he had a feeling that Orihime was smiling too.


End file.
